My Ma

Sunday, April 28, 2019

Last weekend, my mom and two brothers went to Kuala Lumpur by car for one of our relatives' wedding. While they were there, they thought it was a good chance to go straight to my house at Port Dickson after the ceremony to meet me and my kids. 

They live in Terengganu which is around 5 to 6 hours of driving from Port Dickson so I rarely see them much. For them to stop by and stay for a couple of days meant a lot to me. 

My mom or ma as I call her looked basically the same except for her hair. Sitting close to her while she lay on my sofa, I noticed how much her hair has turned gray or white and it hit me hard on the chest. She's getting older and one day, maybe sooner or later, she would be gone. 

I love my ma. She's the rock that has been holding the family together. 

My eldest brother was raised by our grandmother and my two younger brothers were too young to understand and see how hard ma worked to put meals on the table when abah was not around for some time. I was in school and abah left us for months a few times. Not saying that abah was wrong. He was fighting his demons and didn't want us to be caught in crossfires. The time that he was gone made an impact and abah came back a far better man. Al-fatihah to abah. 

But the times when he was gone was rough. You can say that I didn't leave the house for anything because I helped ma. I went to school then I came back home to help out with our grocery shop. That was it. My childhood was kinda meh. Maybe that's why I'm struggling to find my inner child now which is kinda tough for I am a family man and must act like a man. 

Ma never gave up on abah. No matter what he did and how imperfect he was, she always accepted him back. Her love made him change. 

She rarely gives me hugs or kisses. We're not that kind of family where everyone are so close physically with each other. But whenever she does hug or kiss me, the feeling lingers for a long time and I long for it to happen again. 

I haven't been the best of her children. But I hope she knows that I do love her and I long for her. I miss her and under different situations, I would choose to be with her. 

On a side note, I feel so proud of my wife for hanging out with ma. We went to IKEA and IOI City Mall and my wife and ma had some bonding moments. They did gardening together and it just melted my heart that they could get along. Two different women. Both are strong. Both are mine. 

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